The new face of the Republican Party |
She walks into the room and all heads turn. A hush falls upon the crowd as everyone checks out this specimen of feminine beauty. Dressed to impress in designer gear, her soft feminine curves, combined with her no-nonsense mannerism, intrigues the crowd, and they want to know more. As she approaches the podium, tossing her full, flowing hair, a hush falls over the crowd. All eyes are focused on her mouth, breathlessly awaiting the movement of her lips…and then she speaks….
And tells us how she can see Russia from her house.
And everyone applauds. No, this is not Miss America. She is Sarah, and she IS the new face of the Republican Party.
The Republican Party is like the math club in high school. A bunch of sexually repressed geeks with no clue what’s happening in the rest of the world. A hot girl joins and they let her do whatever she wants, just so they can have an excuse to sit next to her at the tournament. I mean seriously, give me a better explanation for Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter (we’ll get to her in a minute). I’ll wait. They think they are being progressive by allowing women to take center stage, upstaging all of us backwards Democrats (wait, didn’t we do that already with Hilary? I digress…they are being progressive, let’s carry on).
So for those of us who are not idiots, you have to wonder when the heck did the selling point for conservative politics become (their version of) attractive dumb chicks. They are so entranced that they were willing to sacrifice an entire election, hedging all of their bets on their new girl wonder and her ability to charm America. She’s so gee-golly wholesome, with her down home colloquialisms and her all-American family. But didn’t she have a Maury-esque drama, complete with pregnant teen daughter and douchebag baby daddy? Oh that’s right, that’s only wrong when poor people do it. Rich white teen girls, reproduce to your heart’s content, especially since Republicans don’t believe in sex ed.
But hey, part of me wants to defend Sarah. She’s just so darn cute! Let’s look at some of her gems.
“They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan”. Afghanistan, Russia…we are one world, people, everyone is our neighbor!
“The fact is that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have gotten too big and too expensive to the taxpayers”. Yeah, I’m mad about those darn taxes on my check too! Umm, what do you mean that those are private companies? Say what?!
“I’ve been so focused on state government, I haven’t really focused much on the war in Iraq”. Pfft, screw “those people over there”. We have problems here at home! Like the illegal immigration of Russians and Afghans.
Sweet Sarah. You’ve provided me with hours of entertainment, and for that, I thank you.
Then we have the graceful and lovely Ann Coulter. Ahhh, Ann, with her fit physique, long blond hair, and her backwoods, inbred hatred of all things minority. The secret love child of Rush Limbaugh and Air Force Amy (if you don’t know who that is, good for you). Ann is the Howard Stern of the Republican Party. The difference is, Howard is supposed to be obnoxious and annoying…that’s what he’s paid to do. Ann, on the other hand, is supposed to be the new voice of her entire political party, delivering their indelible truths to the rest of the world. But every time this chick opens her mouth she says something disastrous. Yet, she is still talking! Case in point…
“If we took away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president”. Wouldn’t it be funny if Democrats were idiots and Sarah Palin were a Democrat? I wonder if this theory would hold true.
“I’m more of a man than any liberal.” Yes you are dear, which explains your large and droopy penis.
“We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.” Well, we can’t say that she’s not American.
“God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, ‘Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It’s yours.” That’s right you little beeyotch Earth, take THAT, keep your global warming B.S. WE RUN THIS!
So, in fact, the new face of the Republican Party seems to be ignorance, which is no big surprise, and the party seems to be suffering from a case of 3rd degree blue balls (or red balls, as it were). Good thing the Democrats know how to get some, so we don’t have on elephant goggles (the conservative equivalent of beer goggles). Dear Republicans, please get laid, so that the appropriate old white farts can regain their position as mouthpieces of the party. At least we won’t be laughing so hard when we reject the ridiculous words coming out of your mouths.
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